Celebrating and Gratitude

I'm so grateful for so many things in this life -- this one precious life. I love the way the cool breeze hits my face first thing in the morning on an early walk. I love how each bird sings its own song, a mixture of peace and warning all at once. I love how people, all people, are so quirky and fun and annoying.

I love that we have so much to love in such time of disarray. I love the smell of warm, fresh coffee. I love how the kitchen floor is squeaky clean thanks to my husband. I love how little girls giggle late into the night and rise early excited for a regular Monday. I love how blueberry zucchini bread tastes so buttery and creamy, not at all like any other bread I've eaten.

I love how the days zip by but we still take time to celebrate, putting a single candle inside whatever we can -- a fig newton, a bowl of ice cream, a homemade chocolate truffle.

I love the feeling of walking far, so far away, that your cares just have to melt away because the phone, the computer, people are too far to touch. I love running, the feeling of my heart pounding in my chest -- a feeling new to me as I haven't much cared for running in the past. I love that feeling of adrenaline, of feeling powerful.

I love sitting outside and watching nothing and meditating on nothing and feeling peaceful when the to-do list is longer than a mile. I love crossing off that to-do list and feeling like I've accomplished something every single day. I love that today is the first day of summer camp and that when I told them they jumped up and down and squealed, clearly having no idea of what to expect. I love that they will learn the value of making new friends today and all week. I love that we're all here together, feeling so much love.

I love writing every morning, letting the thoughts flow and flow and flow without error, without perfection, without fear.

There's not enough hours in the day to prepare for what is to come so we have to just wait, let it happen how it will happen. It is what it is. We can't control this destiny anymore than we can control the children. But I do know it will be OK. We will be fine.

Today I will send love out into the world, as I have been trying to do. I will do my job to the best of my ability and we will see how it goes. I will take care of people and make sure that they are happy. That's really all that I can do. I have plenty to be happy about and I am filled with love for my life and my family.

That is really all that I have to do right now is love and trust. Love and Trust. Love and Trust. Love. And. Trust.

Success slips through her fingers

All of my life, like many others, I have been chasing one dream after another. Each goal being a single step closer to that ultimate reality of success -- that feeling of finally making it. And yet, after each goal is realized, it's never enough. More is needed. More is desired. More power is wanted. More money. More respect. More. More. More.

Recently, I began reading, "The Gift of an Ordinary Day," by Katrina Kenison. At first I wasn't sure I wanted to keep reading it as it's mostly about raising adolescents and teenagers and considering that my daughters are only now starting school, I didn't think it would be relevant to my life. Only a few pages in, however, I did start to see some of the issues we'll have to encounter years from now and that the book, really, is almost a glimpse into the future. Kenison talks a great deal in the first couple chapters about success and what we expect that to mean for our children. Is getting the best grades on test what it means to be successful? I'm not sure, yet, as I know we have a lot to learn yet but I know for sure that I wasn't the best test taker. My grades were often low. I was easily distracted by more important things like being with my girlfriends and cheerleading and any other social event around. Perhaps I needed that since I was an only child and social interaction was lacking in my life at home.

By reading this book now, I'm given a great opportunity to set the stage for my girls, and the way they shape what being successful is about. It's not about having the most money but having enough money to enjoy life. It's not about climbing the corporate ladder but knowing how to balance doing a great job at work and having enough time to enjoy this One Great Life that we've been given. It's not about rising to the top, it's about feeling really good about where you are at any given moment -- like right now.

So will I stress when one of my girls gets a low grade or gets into trouble for having a little fun? I can't say for sure but what I do know is that they will be just fine no matter what and they haven't even started school. They will be just fine. I know this because they are happy, healthy children who like to know about the world around them and ask questions. If they grow up to be seekers and explorers who love to learn new things, I think that's pretty much perfection. If they grow up to be happy adults with lots of girlfriends around them, that's pretty ideal. If they grow up to travel the world and try new things, that's pretty fantastic. If they grow up to know what they like and do not like and aren't afraid to admit those details to anyone that's pretty wonderful. If they grow up and can speak their mind and not feel fear, that's pretty damn good. If they are passionate and kind -- oh so very kind -- that's pretty much all I can ask. If they grow up to have any of these traits, that's success to me.

They willl certainly have their own ideas about what it means to be successful and that's OK, too. We may differ on a few points and I will have to respect their choices and opinions. We, as their parents, have a big job to prepare them for the future that awaits them. I don't think a few dozen Straight As is the answer, though that certainly does help get one into college.

It feels good to think about what success is as I am struggling with that definition myself. It feels good for their sake and my own -- someone who has pretty high expectations of herself and what it means to be successful. I've come a long way to learn all of these great things about life and what it means to fully live, authentically, without fear and worry. Well, a little bit anyway. I still live with a little fear and worry, especially now, but particuarly right now it's timely to consider what we really need in life. Is it more money? Is it the best job? Or is it a happy family life and a happy household. Is it doing fun things and enjoying life to the fullest before we die? I think so. I really honestly think so. It's not going to be easy to pass this message along to our daughters, who already have pressures in their minds about things like the way their hair should be or what outfit to wear.

It's not going to be easy raising two very different girls to live authentically.

But I think I'm up for the challenge.

Photo Credit: Elma

The Fun Injection

When was the last time you just let loose? You know, got up and danced for no reason, to no music?

My BFF from high school finally joined Facebook and, already, I feel that shimmer of that girl I used to be coming through in our posts and private messages. No one -- NO ONE -- knows me like she does. We have been apart for 11 years, since I moved away, and yet it takes about one sentence to bring us right back to where we left off. Nothing changes between us and yet we've changed a whole lot.

Language, inside jokes, cut-downs ... all in good fun, of course.

It makes me want to write about high school. Finally, perhaps? OK, maybe not. That might be too scary.

Actually, what would be scary is writing about middle school. Now, that's a drama I don't ever need to relive.

This fun injection, of sorts, has been a breath of fresh air at a time when things need to be lightened up.

This is when writing comes easily, when the heart is feeling light and happy and soaring to new heights.

It's not easy to work all day and then take care of children and still fit writing in so finding the Fun Factor is essential. We have to make writing fun, even when we aren't sure we can muster the energy to hit the keys or grab the pen -- or even the paintbrush. Creating is hard work but it's the most fulfilling work, for sure.

What's your fun factor? What makes you smile so easily? What silly thing could you curl up and write about right now? Please share in the comments and I might use your prompt for future writing exercises.

Writing -- and life -- is about balance

By now, most people have heard that my husband lost his job. His position, along with the rest of the staff, was eliminated. Rather than cry a river, we're making the best of a crummy situation and getting resourceful. For now, we are OK.

For now.

It's so easy to get comfortable, to sink into a life that is familiar, like an old pair of sweats, and never want to leave. To think of change is to unravel. Our backs go up and we start to get defensive of that life that we grew to love so dearly.

In my last writing course, Fearless Writing, I talked a lot about taking risks, doing things differently and trying new things when all along I was doing the same thing every day as I do now. Sure, I take more risks than most but the big picture stuff, it all remains wrapped around me like a cozy blanket.

I don't want to sit on just any cushion in life. I like this one, the one that is perfectly molded to fit my body, thank you very much. I can no longer question why my daughters both are so attached to their little bear blankets that they've had since infancy. Of course they still need those. Of course.

And yet my cushion has been sucked out from underneath of me and we're having to adapt to the changes to the life we were so desperately clinging on to with no inclination it would change. The changes of routine and cushy bank accounts and getting used to a New Normal are upon us.

So much of this lesson has to do with writing. It's not easy to write when things are really good. It's always easier to let the tears flow and drip down onto the page. But that's not what a writer should do. A writer has to return to the page day after day for the good and for the bad. It's only in between all of that when we start to see ourselves and our writing for what it truly is in the balance.

I'm so looking forward to the writing retreat that I'm hosting so that we can walk in the balance together.

Like a grumpy bear -- it's time to wake up

It has been a long, sloggy, wet Spring. And I feel much like a grumpy, hungry bear right now. A bear in need of nourishment and sunlight and energy to run and play, again.

This is exactly why I am hosting a writing retreat on a friend's very tranquil, very majestic farm. It's not a working farm but a lot of acres of rolling hills, intense beauty and nature all around.

That's how I get my energy, that's how I get filled up inside. Being outside, staring up at the sky and then writing it all down so fast -- as if it will slip away from memory if I do not.

We need creative nourishment almost as much as we need food and yet so many just ignore that little facet of their being. That same being who goes without a break, without something wonderful to cling on to ... will just slumber on, trod on, drag on watching the clock and crossing off their to-do list.

Do they dare to step outside and let their feet touch the dew-drenched grass? Do they stop and just lounge on the hammock or are they busy mopping and sweeping the floors? Do they ever just sit and do nothing, nothing at all?

Well, writing is on my to-do list every day and while I may not get to it every single day, I sure do want to try. And, believe it or not, we have more time than we think to write or paint or do any other Art we wish to do. This retreat will point that out in a few different head-bonking ways.

Please join me in Waking Up. Please join me in dragging ourselves out of spring and springing forth into summer. Please join me to write all day in the wonders of nature.

Peace.

Wake Up! A one-day writing retreat:

Forget the coffee. Wake up to the life that is already happening all around you. Pay attention. Let go. Be free. This one-day retreat on a farm in Glen Rock will help you discover 12 writing tools you can use anywhere, anytime in order to live a more mindful, creative life.

We often, as artists, think we don’t have much time to write or create. And yet, so much of art and creating is about noticing -- noticing the way the morning breeze hlps the curtains dance to the songbirds outside. Noticing a stranger’s wrinkled smile. Noticing a loved one’s broken heart. Art is what happens when we’re too busy to pay attention. This retreat will help discover a life worth writing about – every day.

Who should register? Writers. Wannabe writers. Artists. Creative souls. Anyone. You. Your friends. A beginner. Advanced writers. Painters.

Anyone can write just for one day!

June 25th – 10 a.m. to 2:30 p.m.
Cost: $45 Seating is limited! Sign up on the left-hand sidebar.

A reflection on five years

Five years seems like a little bit of time to be a mother. Only five. Just five. And yet there is so much wisdom about people, humanity, growing up, raising kids, and life hidden between my ears now after just five years. Enough wisdom to guide me through most obstacles with ease.

It's impossible to give that wisdom -- just pass it like a bowl of mashed potatoes at the dinner table -- to another new mom. We can tell her that sleep deprivation sucks, which is does, but she won't understand what we mean until she is in month five and the baby wakes her up three times in one night again and she had really just started into a rhythm and now her whole day is off and that will set her whole week off. It's really hard to describe that feeling unless you've been there.

We can tell her that it gets harder when they aren't an infant but she won't believe us and why should she because all that crying -- all that crying! -- is such a difficult thing to get over. And yet they will say they hate you, and they will have a hard time with a friend at school that will break your heart, and they will be left out or left behind and your every muscle will tighten with the pain of it all.

But, lo and behold, our girls now sleep through the night. Just not every night. Because there are trips to the bathroom, bad dreams, lost bears, mixed up sheets, and the ever-so-scary illnesses.

And, they are over little squabbles in a matter of seconds not minutes unlike me, who has only realized recently that I have a really interesting relationship with ATTACHMENT. I'm practicing detachment, actually, and will write more about that later.

It's easy now, though. It's easy to tell my girls now that it's OK and move on. It's easy to comfort them now. They just need the comfort of a little help (gosh, don't we all?).

My big lesson right now at five years is not about motherhood at all. It's about peoplehood and how amazingly beautiful they are with all their flaws and ridiculousness. It's about lessons every day about how to manage being around certain ones (yes, even my children) and about taming the gremlins that some of them carry around with them like little monkeys each day.

I don't meditate every day but I do every week. I don't practice Zen every hour but I do practice it every day.

It's enough for me right now. It's all enough.

The Practice of Now

In the midst of the darkness of being so alone caring for our twin infants, light came by way of a book: "Momma Zen: Walking the Crooked Path of Motherhood."

With no family around, my husband working long, long hours out of town and no mom friends, I was lost. It was a dark place. (I have videos to prove it wasn't as dark as I remember it, though.) In fact, I can look back and see now how justified my feelings were with so little support.

In fact, I wrote a lot about it in the blogosphere.

But, Karen Maezen Miller's book, which was given to me by one of my freelance editors, brought light to my soul with her simple ways of turning being a mother into a Zen practice. That practice continues today as I just let go to Trust. She is my friend, old Trust. She tells me to sit back with a bucket of popcorn and wait for the answers.

What makes Karen so good for mothers is that she often confesses to this being a difficult practice to do -- and she's a Zen Priest!

I often think, Okay, if Karen sometimes gets angry and she's a priest, than I can't be that terrible of a person. Walk away, decompress ... return later, calmed.

I've always been honest. Maybe too honest. The jury's still out on that one. I'm starting to claim my honesty as a source of beauty. Sometimes, my honesty is the only thing refreshing in the room, frankly.

And, part of that honesty has been saying that being a mother is the most difficult job of my life. It's hard work being a parent and if we're not trying to help mothers and fathers in the village, we'll continue to have troubles.

A lot of the reason parenting is difficult is because I make it so. I worry a lot. I am a control freak. I like things the way I like them. So ... in other words ... I have issues.

But, most of the time -- not all of the time -- I take Karen's wisdom mixed with my own version of Buddhism and Zen and Spirituality and Faith and I try not to screw things up by letting things like a big pile of the most fine, powdery silver glitter sprinkled all over the dining room floor bother me. I just really enjoy the Now a lot better when the rooms are clutter-free and the floors are clear of debris and that the air going into my lungs isn't filled with silvery glitter. That's just me, though.

I met Maezen online four years ago when I did a random search of her book and found that she had started a little blog! I was literally jumping up and down when I found that. I've watched that little blog turn into a household name for many of my smart, fantastic blog (and now Twitter) friends even as I've taken a big backseat role in the blogosphere. I still love it so!

And for four years, I've wanted to meet Maezen and give her the big hug that she deserves for helping this one mom -- and many, many more, I'm sure -- find comfort in the everyday of motherhood. I also want to thank her for these valuable lessons that are getting me through difficult times in my career as well. In fact, I'm a better person over all because of this Zen message she spreads.

I'm happy to report that this Saturday, I will finally get to meet her in Washington, D.C. and give her the thanks she deserves for being the other honest woman in the room. I'll have all copies of my books and I'll be ready to listen to her lesson in person. Because I need it now just as ever.

And I have a feeling I always will ...