Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Finding my way

I've been resistant to a lot lately. Wondering if I'm wasting my personal time on things much bigger than me, much greater than me. "I can't do it," I heard myself say. "I don't have to do it," I said. "I don't want to do it," I said, almost in a temper tantrum.

Not without some anger, I pushed through and took some risks -- leading my first writing retreat, for instance. It was easy to tell myself why would anyone listen to me?

I resist what I fear.

Danielle LaPorte's piece on resisting success spoke wisely to my soul not long ago.

I have been struggling with for time with figuring out what my personal brand really, truly is going to be. I have many dreams. I am a renassiance soul, to the core. I have many interests and talents. I have many facets to my personality. I always feel close ... almost within reach of what my inner authentic power is and then, just like that, it slips through my fingertips and I'm left standing watching a cloud of dust dissolve into thin air.

I've had this feeling for some time now. A couple years. Long enough to know that it's constantly nagging at me. What am I supposed to be doing? Where do I belong?

It's funny, I can so easily coach others into figuring out what THEY should be doing with their lives but, for myself, this is a hard exercise. The list of ideas are too long. My brain is always all over the place. I want, often, what I cannot even dream of at this time due to a job and children.

Will I ever, ever figure out this mystery? Or, is the mystery the real honest picture? I'm a puzzle piece that just doesn't fit into the bigger picture? Not in a sad way but in a happy, this-is-me way?

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