A reflection on five years

Five years seems like a little bit of time to be a mother. Only five. Just five. And yet there is so much wisdom about people, humanity, growing up, raising kids, and life hidden between my ears now after just five years. Enough wisdom to guide me through most obstacles with ease.

It's impossible to give that wisdom -- just pass it like a bowl of mashed potatoes at the dinner table -- to another new mom. We can tell her that sleep deprivation sucks, which is does, but she won't understand what we mean until she is in month five and the baby wakes her up three times in one night again and she had really just started into a rhythm and now her whole day is off and that will set her whole week off. It's really hard to describe that feeling unless you've been there.

We can tell her that it gets harder when they aren't an infant but she won't believe us and why should she because all that crying -- all that crying! -- is such a difficult thing to get over. And yet they will say they hate you, and they will have a hard time with a friend at school that will break your heart, and they will be left out or left behind and your every muscle will tighten with the pain of it all.

But, lo and behold, our girls now sleep through the night. Just not every night. Because there are trips to the bathroom, bad dreams, lost bears, mixed up sheets, and the ever-so-scary illnesses.

And, they are over little squabbles in a matter of seconds not minutes unlike me, who has only realized recently that I have a really interesting relationship with ATTACHMENT. I'm practicing detachment, actually, and will write more about that later.

It's easy now, though. It's easy to tell my girls now that it's OK and move on. It's easy to comfort them now. They just need the comfort of a little help (gosh, don't we all?).

My big lesson right now at five years is not about motherhood at all. It's about peoplehood and how amazingly beautiful they are with all their flaws and ridiculousness. It's about lessons every day about how to manage being around certain ones (yes, even my children) and about taming the gremlins that some of them carry around with them like little monkeys each day.

I don't meditate every day but I do every week. I don't practice Zen every hour but I do practice it every day.

It's enough for me right now. It's all enough.

The Practice of Now

In the midst of the darkness of being so alone caring for our twin infants, light came by way of a book: "Momma Zen: Walking the Crooked Path of Motherhood."

With no family around, my husband working long, long hours out of town and no mom friends, I was lost. It was a dark place. (I have videos to prove it wasn't as dark as I remember it, though.) In fact, I can look back and see now how justified my feelings were with so little support.

In fact, I wrote a lot about it in the blogosphere.

But, Karen Maezen Miller's book, which was given to me by one of my freelance editors, brought light to my soul with her simple ways of turning being a mother into a Zen practice. That practice continues today as I just let go to Trust. She is my friend, old Trust. She tells me to sit back with a bucket of popcorn and wait for the answers.

What makes Karen so good for mothers is that she often confesses to this being a difficult practice to do -- and she's a Zen Priest!

I often think, Okay, if Karen sometimes gets angry and she's a priest, than I can't be that terrible of a person. Walk away, decompress ... return later, calmed.

I've always been honest. Maybe too honest. The jury's still out on that one. I'm starting to claim my honesty as a source of beauty. Sometimes, my honesty is the only thing refreshing in the room, frankly.

And, part of that honesty has been saying that being a mother is the most difficult job of my life. It's hard work being a parent and if we're not trying to help mothers and fathers in the village, we'll continue to have troubles.

A lot of the reason parenting is difficult is because I make it so. I worry a lot. I am a control freak. I like things the way I like them. So ... in other words ... I have issues.

But, most of the time -- not all of the time -- I take Karen's wisdom mixed with my own version of Buddhism and Zen and Spirituality and Faith and I try not to screw things up by letting things like a big pile of the most fine, powdery silver glitter sprinkled all over the dining room floor bother me. I just really enjoy the Now a lot better when the rooms are clutter-free and the floors are clear of debris and that the air going into my lungs isn't filled with silvery glitter. That's just me, though.

I met Maezen online four years ago when I did a random search of her book and found that she had started a little blog! I was literally jumping up and down when I found that. I've watched that little blog turn into a household name for many of my smart, fantastic blog (and now Twitter) friends even as I've taken a big backseat role in the blogosphere. I still love it so!

And for four years, I've wanted to meet Maezen and give her the big hug that she deserves for helping this one mom -- and many, many more, I'm sure -- find comfort in the everyday of motherhood. I also want to thank her for these valuable lessons that are getting me through difficult times in my career as well. In fact, I'm a better person over all because of this Zen message she spreads.

I'm happy to report that this Saturday, I will finally get to meet her in Washington, D.C. and give her the thanks she deserves for being the other honest woman in the room. I'll have all copies of my books and I'll be ready to listen to her lesson in person. Because I need it now just as ever.

And I have a feeling I always will ...

The Sit-and-Do-Nothing Rule

This post is inspired by a comment left on my last blog post about how to truly savor downtime and not feel guilty about it:

"Thanks for this! I found it from Tara Gentile's tweet, and I like it. My question is, how do you feel about your downtime? I've had an issue lately where everytime I have a little downtime, I end up feeling guilty for not doing something productive during that time--and yet, I'm still always yearning for that time to myself! It's such a destructive process. It would help if I had accomplished all the to do's before I have my downtime by scheduling all tasks like you suggested."


It is so. very. hard.

And, at times, I still suffer from that guilty vibe as well.

But, mostly, I have been able to really sit-and-do-nothing for a few minutes a day -- which hoenstly, in my world, is usually writing a list, doodling, writing, reading an inspiring book or meditating.

Nothing.

I see you twiddling your thumbs right now. I see the sweat from anxiety forming on your upper lip. I see your leg starting to twitch.

I learned the sit-and-do-nothing technique with little kids. The well-intended advice is always "nap when they nap" ... but I always felt there was too much to do, or at worst, I couldn't actually sleep.

So I implemented -- on the rare occassion -- the sit-and-do-nothing task. Close your eyes. Think about nothing but the sounds in the room. Breathe. Let your mind wander. Wander some more. Wonder.

This is a tool I use more frequently now when I am overwhelmed with too much to do or too many things I want to do.

Let's say I have a half hour and I have an hour's worth of work to do -- in other words, a typical half hour of my life. In fact, I often feel like a squirrel in the middle of the road -- you know when they can't decide what side of the road to run to -- the one they were aiming for or the one they just left? So, I instituted the sit-and do-nothing rule. Sit and do nothing not even watch TV, not even surf the Internets, not even talk to a person. Sit and do nothing and, like magic fairy dust falling on your shoulders, the answer: it always comes.

Usually, the answer is to make dinner and never even get to the rest of the list ... but I digress.

Sit and do nothing. That's it. It really is that simple.

Man, the best ideas come to me in those moments.

And I'm a much more relaxed crazy person after a sit-and-do-nothing. Still crazy. Still nutso. Still trying to do more than I can do in a single bound. But a little tiny bit saner.

Peace to you and your sit-and-do-nothing state.

Time is abundant

There's this idea among human beings that I used to employ myself.

If only I had more time, I could do ... X Y Z.

More time and I could write my novel. More time and I could edit my short story. More time and I could find that unique job I've always wanted.

I've been waiting around for more time all my life.

Last year, when I finally finished my novel after 10 years, I learned the most valuable lesson in my life. Time is abundant. Even for busy working moms like myself. We can do this. We can make dreams a reality.

Sometimes it means saying no and I've had to do that in some heartbreakingly hard ways this week, too. Sometimes, it means saying yes.

This year, in nothing short of good New Year's Resolution-style, I made a commitment to something, well, someone.

Myself.

I vowed to fit things in that I've just never had the time for in the past. Writing is one. Exercise is another. Downtime is the last.

How though? How can I, in a single day or week, work 40-Plus hours, be a great mother of twin girls, remain as a volunteer in my community and still be a writer and a wife and someone who cares and takes care of her body? How is that humanely possible?

Until two weeks ago, I lived under this immense assumption that it wasn't possible and, lo and behold, it didn't have to be possible. By even considering doing all of these things in a single day, I was crazy. I held my own expectations up in the clouds.

And then I had a wee bit of an epiphany. What if? What if I can do it? What if I can be all of these things in a single week?

I thought it over and journaled about it and experimented with some ideas. And then it occurred to me. I didn't have to do it all each day. I just needed a schedule.

I set out to fit it all in Monday through Friday. I work out/do yoga three mornings at 5 a.m. and I write/edit two mornings. I also add a little writing and editing in at night after the girls are asleep and that's also when I get some much-needed downtime to do nothing. And, my reward for doing all of this during the work week? I get to do whatever I want on Saturdays and Sundays. The result is much less stress. No more wondering when it will happen. No more wondering how it will happen. No more trying to squeeze it in during valuable weekend family time (unless I want to).

I'm not sure why this never came to me before or why I made fitting it all in so complicated.

But now that I'm so regimented, I truly believe that time is abundant. But I have to get up and say yes, yes this is going to happen today. Or it doesn't happen.

2011: A Year of Re-Reading

I covet books like people. Books have been and may always be my trophy lover. I display the best, the brightest, the ones that profoundly and amusingly changed me proudly on bookshelves. I dust them. And rearrange them. And breeze through their pages now and again with awe and admiration.

But I never re-read them.

Ever.

Until now. This year, I have decided is my year. A year to re-read. A year to go back to the basics and seriously consider these books that have led me on a passion for writing novels. I want to study these favorites in a way only I can now: As someone who has written a novel.

We have all said it and heard a million times -- to be a writer, you must first read. A lot. Well, I have read a lot. But that doesn't mean that I'm always retaining some of the reasons why these books are so great.

Let me be clear. I am not reading the BBC lists or the NBC lists or even the Nobel lists.

I am reading my list. These books that I am re-reading have stayed with me since Page One. Some have moved across state lines and into and out of up to a half dozen or more places I've called home. One has been with me since middle school.

These are not just any books. These are 12 books that led me to write my own. These are the ones that inspired me along the years in my own relationships. They are the books that light me up.

I've decided to do this in four parts. Each week, I will write about a different aspect of these books from a writer's standpoint (setting, narration, character arc and plot).

I'm pretty excited to take on this project. And while it's not 365 books or even 52 books -- and while this is not an exhaustive list of books that I have loved or been awed by -- I am sure that I will learn a lot about writing and reading on this journey. I plan to share a lot with my readers as well!

I am not sure why I never re-read books. Perhaps because the idea of knowing the ending makes it hard to keep my interest. That's why this will be a fun project. I'm reading just for the wisdom I can glean as a writer, as a novelist, as someone who hopes to have one of those shiny, beautiful trophies of her own.

PHOTO CREDIT: RACHELLOVESTOLAUGH

A trusty list for parents

I've been off track, again ... lost because of lack of time because being a mom has me spinning in confusion and chaos. I'm lost because of trying to be something I am not. I can't hide any of these roles that I play every single day.

It's hard having a writer's heart ... and being a parent. Shit, it's hard being a parent.

I'm reading a great book right now (more on that in another post) that I bought with a Christmas gift certificate from my amazing husband. I needed something real. I needed something honest. I needed something inspirational that only a really good book can provide.

Amazingly, I found just the right book in a short trip into the store. Thus, writing here again.

After just one little chapter of reading the new book, I was in the kitchen, making quiche and listening to Emmy Lou Harris, when I had a parenting epiphany to write a soothing message for myself. And when I was finished, I wondered if I should share it with others.

For those with amazing kids. For those with kids who are not so amazing now and then. For those who write with kids. For those who care for kids. For those who are the most patient -- and the not so patient. For those who now and then want to lose their shizz because their kids are, well, testing them in various ways like kicking and smacking their siblings.

And, this little list of mine was also inspired by this other little list of trust by Momma Zen who became a good friend years ago around the time she wrote her list. I write my list for all the parents traveling this road behind me and in honor of all those who have gone before me. Only we, the parents, know what is best. And yet we know nothing at all. We just have to learn to trust.

A Trusty list for Parents

Trust that they know when they are not hungry.
Trust when they are.
Trust that they will eat just fine some day.
Trust that they might not.
Trust that they will sleep when tired.
Trust that they will rise when they are done sleeping.
Trust when they have had a bad dream.
Trust when the blankets aren’t just so.
Trust that they truly cannot go back to sleep.
Trust that they’ve had enough.
Trust when they haven’t.
Trust when their harsh words mean something more.
Trust when their harsh words are just words.
Trust that they love when they hate.
Trust that they hate when they love.
Trust the process for making up.
Trust that they will make up.
Trust that they can work it out on their own.
Trust them.
Trust their hearts.
Trust their heads.
Trust their nice hands.
Trust their mean words.
Trust their friendship.
Trust their bonds to you.
Trust that they do get it.
Trust that they understand.
Trust that they do not understand.
Trust that this too shall pass.
Trust that this too shall escalate to something else.
Trust that there will always be another phase.
Trust when they say no.
Trust when they say uh-uh.
Trust when they giggle.
Trust when they say they can do it.
Trust when they say they need help.
Trust when yes means no.
Trust when no means yes.
Trust when they say they love you.
Trust when they say they hate you.
Trust when they say nothing at all.
Trust when their faces say everything.
Trust when their faces say nothing.
Trust when times get tough.
Trust that times will get tough.
Trust when times turn wonderful.
Trust that they will be wonderful.
Trust that love is enough.
Trust that love isn’t enough.
Trust your heart.
Trust your Yeses.

Trust your Nos.

Trust yourself.

Trust your kids.

Trust that there will be another day to get it right.

Photo credit: Valeria

December 1st means only one thing

Advent.

Not just any advent calendar. An activity advent. This means that we don't just throw (more) candy into a box and count the day. No, we spend quality time together, usually laughing and doing awe-inspiring things, like wrapping each other up in green crepe paper and pretending we're Christmas trees. This year, we're adding a race to see who can wrap each other up fastest with toilet paper, black buttons and scarves to become snowladies and one snowman.

This year, the list is the best ever because I've done this for the third year and now know the best ones to do.

Granted, I realize that I am ridiculous about this and go way overboard but I look at it as a way to fill the entire month of December with spirit and joy and love. Also, I do two activites a day so that each girl (twins!) gets to pull a card out of the stocking. To see previous years, go here and here.

Here are some of the things we're doing:


1.Make list -- sing carols
2.Look for color red -- dance party
3.A joke -- city light up night
4. Decorate the doors -- visit santa
5. Movie night -- make cookies
6. Paint nails red and green -- make gift tags
7. Play with cookie cutters -- mail cards
8. Hang candy canes -- snowscapes with shaving cream
9. Find the color green -- camp under the tree
10. Drink hot chocolate -- read around the tree
11.Count the red lights -- christmas magic
12.Family tree activity -- make cards for teachers
13. Make homemade gifts -- be an elf for the night
14.Santa's helper/wrap a gift game -- create gift kits
15. Make choc. covered pretzels -- make seating cards
16. Pin the nose on rudolph game --write a Christmas story
17. Make ornaments/wrap gifts -- red and green snack
18. Snowman Race -- Light a candle in memory of dog Prince
19. Put on a christmas play -- eat dessert first
20. Create a winter alter -- jingle bell dance around the tree
21. Winter Solstice celebration -- star gaze
22. wear red and green -- eat breakfast for dinner
22.Jingle bells dance -- make sugar cone trees
23. Hand out gifts to teachers -- star watch
24. set out cookies and milk -- sprinkle magic reindeer food outside